I woke up this morning to the realization that I am no longer in love with my boyfriend. I am staying with him because financially I have little option. That’s a hell of a confession to make, but for too long now I have been kidding myself in this relationship.
We’ve been together for several years. For at least the last year, I have not been in love with him, but I know that the same is not true for him. He is still the same loveable person that he was when we met. Problem is every time he touches me or sends me loving messages, I cringe. I feel trapped in this relationship, a charlatan living a lie. I wish that things were different, but I can’t fix the situation.
He doesn’t deserve my lack of interest. Once I was very much in love with him. Now I can’t remember what that felt like. I can’t even imagine it. That spark has gone and the attraction has died never to be rekindled.
Much as I’d love to I can’t afford to leave him. I am only part-time employed, and I am paying off my student loan. I have looked at alternative accommodation, but even a room in the city would cost considerably more than my share in the apartment. I cannot move back home. It is just not practical. I have to remain in the city if I am to have any chance of finding a job in my chosen career.
I am trying to help myself. I have a part-time job in a pub at night, and every day I look for work in my line in the city. Until I find fulltime employment, I see no chance of moving on. I used to have a very good job, but the company I worked at went into liquidation, and I was left with a severance package and little else.
I live in fear that my partner will pop the question. I have told him that I am not ready to marry yet, and he says he understands. He is such a supportive and gentle soul, but I know that he hopes to spend the rest of his life with me. If he were to ask me to get married, I would be forced either to confess my feelings or to accept his proposal. Either way, I would be in serious trouble.
Right now, I need this man. Financially I am simply not capable of independence. I know that if I were to tell him how I feel he would be disconsolate. I don’t believe that he has any idea of my emotions, and the realization of how I feel will hurt him deeply. He would definitely ask me to move immediately. This is why I continue to live my fraudulent lifestyle.
I do love this man, but I cringe when he touches me. I see no future with him. I hope that one day soon I will have my dream career. I plan to pay him back in some small way for all that he has done for me, supporting me in ways that I have never experienced before. How I wish that I could recapture the attraction of our early days together when I could not get enough of him. Those days are just vague memories. I would never cheat on him, but my future belongs somewhere else, and my love with someone else.