Moving on through tears and humiliation

When my cheating ex finally packed his bags, I was so relieved that the drama would finally be over. I no longer had to look over my shoulder and worry about everyone else knowing about his latest conquest - except me. Not that I wanted to know, but I hated being made a fool. Also, I used to love him. I did. I didn't expect it to hurt this much when he left.

I've been crying myself to sleep for a month already - knowing that I'm alone and he's with someone else. I don't want to get up in the mornings because I fear the memories that flood my mind whenever I try to relax. Then there are the emotions that I have to keep bottled up.

My heart has become a torture chamber. It brings thoughts and feelings to the fore that I'd rather leave unexplored. Every time my mind tries to forgive, my heart comes forward, reminding me of the hurt, rejection, deceit... Then the hatred starts all over, and I simply can't stop trying.

My friends mean well and there are several who are there for me at a moment's notice. They listen, they hug me, dry my tears, and take me out to help me forget. They also try to console me with all kinds of lies...

"He will come to his senses."

"He doesn't deserve you."

"He left you for a tramp!"

While these comments help me laugh, my mind runs crazy, asking more questions that my mouth would not utter aloud. Why did he leave our relationship, our family, for her? What makes her so special?

I don't seem to understand his reasoning. I don't know why he did it. Does he really love her more than he loves us? I want a clear answer so that I can understand for once and for all. Surely, I deserve to know what went wrong? I also don't know why I still care at all.

I've been alone for a month. I go to bed alone, knowing he is not alone, although he's the one who left. I've been avoiding places that I know he frequents because I don't want to run into him or his family or any other mutual acquaintances. I feel humiliated because I was not good enough for him. He chose someone else over me.

Sometimes I think that if he died, it wouldn't have been this bad, because at least then he didn't choose to leave the way he did. This type of loss is worse - we were rejected.

When I'm alone at night and I can't sleep, I look him up on Facebook. I see pictures of him and her, dancing, kissing and having fun. There are intimate messages to one another, and there are friends, OUR mutual friends, who are supportive of his relationship with her. He looks so happy with her, and they seem to be having a great life.

I don't know what to say to my kids. They are angry and hurt too because he never even bothered to say goodbye to them. Yes, they were his step-kids, but he always "loved them as his own". Right now I hate him because he hurt my kids. It was a farce, just like the marriage.

For a few years there, I was happy. I thought the kids, and I had a second chance at happiness, and all was right in the world. Then he met her and my world came tumbling down.

There are good and bad days.Nights are mostly bad because I cry and feel sorry for myself. But tonight I found out that his life is certainly moving forward with the new woman in his life, and for my kids' sake, I have to pick up the pieces and take care of my responsibilities. I have to move on. I have to stop crying while he's living a cozy new life in her house, having forgotten about the family he used to have. The family he tossed away like week-old trash.