The battle between my heart and my mind is relentless. My heart seems to be misguided. My head knows the truth, but in my battle, I've given away every last piece of my heart and I don't know how to put them back together. But the way that they were, no longer seems to work - if it worked in the first place. The only thing I know for sure is that I can never again trust my heart. It has let me down and it has broken time and again.
It's not because there is no love. It is because I love too much. I freely give love - mostly one-sided. Relationships start out unhealthy and continue to twist crash down to the ground. This love has been doomed from the start, but I continued chasing it for years and now I am left with the choice: do I keep fighting for it, or do I accept that it's never going to be what I want it to be?
Love shouldn't hurt so much. My heart seems to be blind to the lies, the pain, the broken promises, the shattered dreams, the deception... My mind would scream at the thought of allowing him back in, but my heart would tell my mind that love conquers all. That one day, he would love me back, even a little bit.
With enough love, maybe, I would be able to make him into the man I want him to be. He would see my undying love and change for the better.
But do I really want that? I don't think so. I want healthy love. Love that heals. Love that won't shatter my heart into a million pieces. Love that doesn't suffocate. Love that makes me fly. Love that knows and accepts me. Love that gives, not love that just takes.
I've learned that sometimes, love just isn't enough. You can't love someone for the illusion you have of them. Positive thinking is great, but you can't make someone love you.
This sadness, hurt and grief is not for the loss of a relationship that has died. It's about the relationship I never had. It's a lost dream. Reality bites. It's cold, it's hard and it hurts.
I went into relationships broken and I'd hoped to find someone who could fix my broken pieces. After a long struggle, I had come to realise that maybe, these pieces are not supposed to be mended, but instead, I need to let them go. Perhaps by letting go, I would be able, once again, to be a new whole.
We do what we know how to do. We do what's comfortable, easy, familiar. It is time to live a new, beautiful and abundant life, free from the broken pieces.
Perhaps for now, I should just sit here, letting go, emptying out these broken pieces that are stabbing into my heart. I can't really understand or make sense of it right now, but I'm sure that I have learned what not to do. I should not go into another relationship until I am healed and whole inside, for once I am whole, I will need nobody else to complete me.