Bringing bad relationship problems into the marriage

People who marry for the second time may believe that the marriage has a better chance of survival than the first since they are older and more experienced. They probably hope to have learnt from the experiences in the initial relationship. While in many instances this may well be true, in others the second marriage may be more difficult with more complications than the first.

Those marrying for the second time have typically come out of a failed relationship. The past relationship may have left them with issues, or they may have developed coping mechanisms that have become bad habits.

These they may take into their new relationships. These habits may include destructive behaviours such as stone walling, (silent treatment) during arguments or a lack of trust in the partner due to the infidelity of a previous partner. The problem with habits is that the older we get and the longer we have practised this behaviour, the more difficult it is to change.

Talk it through

Give your second marriage the best chance that you can by sitting down and having a sincere talk with your partner before you marry. It is important that you understand each other’s expectations. By talking about the past relationship, the hurt each of you may have suffered and how you handled your emotions, you will understand each other better giving your marriage a much better chance at survival. You may want to discuss potential problems with a counsellor. Counsellors are not just there to deal with troubled marriages, but can assist in communication between partners before the trouble occurs, such as Pre-Marital Counselling.

Don’t forget the kids

Another aspect of second marriages that couples have to deal with, is potential conflict with children born from the first marriage. Many children don’t fully accept the separation of their parents and may resent the second partner for attempting to take the place of their beloved parent. If you’re changing your will to include your new partner that could create even more resentment on their part.

The best way to manage your children’s displeasure is to discuss the marriage with them beforehand. Don’t spring the discussion on them. Make an arrangement to sit down with each of them separately and talk about their feelings and yours.

Talking to the children with a view to understanding their feelings and explaining yours can help to lessen the tension between them and you. In all relationships communication is paramount.