what to do if you’re married to an asshole
what's it like to be married to an asshole?
Marriage is never a bed of roses, but it can really be a bed of nails if you've married an asshole. A marriage should be a joining of two soul mates who live, work and parent together. When I say work, I'm referring to the efforts to sustain a marriage, because they don't just work - they require ongoing effort.
For many women today, marriage feels like coast guard training; you know, like in the The Guardian, where a cheeky swim-champ Ashton Kutcher had to tread water for hours to prove his worth, while his instructor, Kevin Costner tried to break him down. Just like Ashton survived and went on to save many lives, you too can survive being married to an asshole (or splitting from him) and go on to great things.
In a perfect world, marriage should be a happy union with two people who love, forgive, support and encourage one another. While men want to be respected, women want to be shown love. It is an age-old battle of the sexes and the sooner we understand this difference and start accommodating our spouses, the sooner there will be more peace in marriages.
I may be called out for generalising, but I've observed many marriages, and have drawn this conclusion:
When men are unfulfilled in marriage, they stray. They either find a little blonde bimbo to have fun with, or they go drinking with their buddies, or they try to make themselves look tough by taking up weight lifting or buying muscle cars. Sometimes they do all of the above and sometimes, they actually find someone they can really connect with and move on to greener pastures.
Essentially, that is the right thing to do. Please bear with me as I explain...
Cheating is not cool, and neither is becoming self-obsessed. However, finding a way to find happiness within yourself - THAT is great. And that's exactly where we as women, go wrong.
When we are unfulfilled (because we're married to assholes), we work harder at helping them becoming less so. We try to change them and they start to rebel and resent, thus becoming bigger assholes and as we start running out of steam, we become depressed. As a result, they become bigger assholes, because they feel that we are trying to change them (which is a major pet-hate amongst most guys) and the vicious cycle continues.
It will eventually come down to 2 choices:
a) Put up with him.
b) Get out.
What does this mean though? Most guys aren't assholes at the outset. They are usually pretty great and think we are great, but then they change. Now you're fighting constantly and things are out of control. You've put yourself last for as long as you've been married - putting him and the kids first.
At the outset of a relationship, we want to show how much we care by pouring all our nurturing onto Mr. Perfect. Of course he laps it all up, thinking we're the greatest.
Secretly, we wish that he would do the same for us and we try to keep this up for as long as we can, but children come along, careers take up more time and stress takes its toll. Subconsciously, men sense this and retreat, pulling away from us. We take that as a rejection, and become needy.
So What Do I Do About It?
If you feel that your husband is an asshole, it is important to look back to the time he first started becoming like that. Weigh up the reasons and look at ways in which you can make some changes.
Of course, some of us marry assholes, hoping that we could fix them. Unfortunately, this poses a problem, because some men are simply not prepared to change their ways and it is not our place to change them. You need to either cut your losses, or move on.
One of the best ways to handle any relationship, is to understand that you are not dependent on it for happiness. You need to find your inner joy by adopting a healthy, happy lifestyle that pleases you. Pursue your passions, live your dreams...
In most cases, guys who have become assholes will change their behaviour through seeing how you have changed yours. If that happens, good and well. If not, well, then you can get rid of the asshole.
Disclaimer : This article provides basic information only and is not a substitute for a professional or legal advice. It is prudent to obtain legal advice from a family lawyer.