When relationships are new, it is normal to focus on the good

When relationships are new, it is normal for the partners to focus on the good and overlook the less glorious habits of their partner. As time passes, these habits can start to irritate and annoy. These irritating behaviours are often small annoyances, things like leaving dishes in the sink or clothes on the couch.

Bigger and more serious provocations may include failing to pay the bills, abusing substances or staying in touch with the ex. Whatever they are, these annoyances stack up until they become intolerable. The relationship is slowly eroded by resentment, leaving behind sadness and regret. 

When undesirable behaviour shows its ugly face

Most people do not reveal the behaviour and habits that may have caused the demise of previous relationships. Their hope is that their new partner will forgive them the indiscretions once they are firmly into the relationship.

Even the most tolerant partners will find it difficult to forgive some transgressions. They will not enjoy the dishonesty of not disclosing the truth early in the relationship. In the end, they may contest both the problem and the fact that you did not disclose it.

Examples of the type of undisclosed information that could lead to trouble

• A previous marriage 
• Previous associations with undesirable people
• An undisclosed child
• An inherited disease
• An interfering parent
• Large amounts owed that will come from pooled funds
• Any kind of behaviour that you know your partner will find undesirable. 

These are all serious situations that you must share at the start of the relationship even if it is a deal breaker.

Differing needs and desires

When relationships are new, partners tend to cover up their differences. They don’t express their needs and desires. They hope that things will improve as the relationship develops and deepens.

Most partners have differing wants and needs. Sometimes these differences are very important. The partners may find that they are unable to live with the disparities in needs and desires. Common disparities include different dreams and ambitions, sexual appetites that are vastly different, disagreements about money, where to live or how many children to have. These are some of the divergent views that couples may have.

It is rare for these problems to come to light while the relationship is still fresh. Often it is only when couples live together that partners fully understand how much they can to compromise, what they can change and what they can do without.

Partners must work together with respect to sort these complications out. Unfortunately, these differences may elicit unexpected poor conduct. This will eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship. 

Declining fantasies

New love endows the partners with qualities that they likely don’t have. New lovers forgive each other’s flaws and embellish their strong points. As the partners get to know each other better, they begin to see the other with all the flaws and differences.

There may be aspects of the other which at the beginning seemed highly desirable and now seem less so. For example, your partner’s love of sport which once impressed you may be less impressive when his sports commitments leave him with little time to spend with you.

Many people find once the relationship settles down, that they are disappointed with aspects of their partner. It is not often that the partner will over-deliver on promises, so disappointments are bound to occur. It is up to you to decide whether you can live with your real-life partner once you see them warts and all.

Control issues

People in new relationships are more likely to compromise. They are more likely to confer with their partner before making decisions. They work as a team and try to agree on courses of action.

Further, into the relationship, the partners are more likely to enforce their desires and offer their opinions more intensely. This can lead to the other partner taking a defensive stance. Both may then attempt to force their own desires on the other.

It may be that decisions made mutually when the relationship was still new, have since become jaded and no longer suit one of the partners. The wishes, desires and emotions of each partner may change with time. One partner may be outgoing and have a need for a large circle of friends, while the other prefers quiet time and solitude.

Where previously the partners compromised and complied with the wishes of the other as time moves on, they may be less prepared to compromise. They may start to push for their preferred way of life. This can result in power struggles where each partner tries to assert their own wishes on the other.

This, in turn, could result in displays of anger or silent resentment. The partners may not even realise that they are pushing one another apart. They may not realize that compromises are becoming demands for change. The partners may have gone from a loving and caring relationship to enemies fighting for their own needs at the cost of the other’s.  

External factors

New relationships appear to generate endless energy. The couple often believes that together they can face anything that’s thrown at them, expected or unexpected.

Life may throw many problems in your way. You may soon find that the energy that you thought was boundless has whittled away. Financial problems, illness, family problems, work stress, grief and day to day frustrations can erode commitment.

The inability of a couple to deal with external stressors can lead to a loss of trust between the partners. They may even start finding fault with one another. Eventually, they will go their separate ways believing that they can better manage their problems on their own. At times there is just so much sadness that a relationship can withstand.