When your partner tells you that you do not share their values by Alan Weiss

What to do if you feel lost because your partner does not understand your values and only thinking about their values…. I am sure many of you have lived and are living this situation.

Many people say that communication is the key to a healthy, happy relationship. Communication is certainly essential for keeping a relationship healthy, but it is not the most important aspect of a healthy relationship.

People can learn the right communication skills and use them, but after many years in a relationship, it might not be enough. You might be able to understand all your differences very clearly because you have communicated it clearly, but that does not solve the differences.

More often the bottom line to a successful relationship comes down to shared values and compatibility.

What can you do if you feel incompatible, but you are in love?

The answer might be different depending on whether you are married or still dating, but let’s consider your situation by looking at the following:

Where do you stand?

Make sure you are not overthinking some issues. You don’t have to be 100% compatible on everything.  Be honest with yourself. What type of issues are you incompatible about? Are they truly core values, or are you just being too rigid? Maybe they are issues that you won’t agree with, but can live with? Or should you be looking for something else? Once you figure out where you stand, you will be ready to take next step.

Share your feelings

Often the key to a successful relationship is working through your differences. Explain why your approach is important to you. If you both understand the other’s needs and respect it, you should be fine. If you can learn to compromise, you might have a very happy relationship. A relationship is a collaborative effort.

Keep an open mind

If we are talking about interests and hobbies, try having an open mind. Make an effort to join your partner and experience “their world”. Maybe you will enjoy it, and if not, at least you made an effort.

Agree to disagree

You don’t have to agree on everything and you don’t have to like all the same things. You just need to be interested in your partner’s interests.  If your incompatibility relates to small things, compromise, or just agree to disagree.

Think about 5 to 10 years from now.

If you are already feeling incompatible before you get married, you need to rethink your situation. Don’t rush to walk down the aisle. It might be fun to date a very different person, but core incompatibility might be a sure way to end up on your own in the long run. If you have very different values, love might not be enough to conquer all.

If you want to stay in the relationship for the long run, regardless of incompatibility, you need to decide if you have the skills and the desire to compromise. If you feel that you and your partner share the same vision, you might succeed. If not, move on.

Be true to yourself

The fact that you are in a relationship with someone who you’re incompatible with probably means that you haven’t experienced the pain of a failed relationship before. If you have, you will know that you should try and avoid that in future.

If the issues are core value issues and you cannot work through them, face the reality, save yourself the heartache of a future breakup and walk away now. A relationship with a compatible partner is so much easier and more enjoyable.

If you are still dating, you might at this stage realize that you and your partner might not share enough common values to be sure of a happy, healthy forever relationship. What if you are already married?

Let’s consider a few areas where you and your partner might have different values:

• You believe family life comes first; your partner’s top priority is a successful career,
• You want a simple lifestyle and your partner wants a lavish lifestyle;
• You value faith and your partner resents any form of religion or spirituality; this can become even more of an issue when you have children, or
• You want children and your partner doesn’t.
• One of you want to invest and save money, the other lives for today and spends a lot.

Is it too late?

Think calmly about where you think you are incompatible. Think about your values and how important it is to you. Discuss your feelings with your spouse. How different are you really? Can you compromise?

Can values be changed?

Whilst you don’t want your spouse to violate his/her integrity or conscience, it might be that one spouse is just too dogmatic. People can learn over time that not everything is black or white. People can also agree to disagree on some issues. For serious differences, you might need to attend counselling, but you don’t have to give up on your relationship yet.

Here are my values, yours may be different, but start writing them down and discussed them with your partner.

• 1. Commitment - Put each other first in your relationship.
• 2. Commit to equality in your relationship. Successful, loving relationships are equal and shared relationships.
• 3. Commit to ensuring your partner's happiness. A loving and healthy relationship is not just about ensuring your happiness, but rather the happiness of your partner.
• 4. Honesty and integrity. Every relationship is put to test. Your relationship should be free from, financial demands or infidelity.
• 5. Commit to caring Sometimes is the little things we do can make a world of difference. So make an effort, and show that you do care.
• 6. Being respectful Respectfulness is at the heart of all great loving relationships. This goes to especially to a relationship that involves children from another relationship.
• 7. Do not place your friends first Respecting your friends is understandable and is expected, but avoid putting your partner's feelings second. Avoid thinking of what your friend may be thinking...or compare your partner relationship to yours.

live life by learning and not by giving up.....